Religion

Although I have an interest in religion, I don't believe in a God, likewise Aquaman or The Hulk. I do feel its influence is disappearing from society and someone should address this, for business development and profit if nothing else. Anathemas to religion, I know.

I thought I would consider the potential marketing niches of the best brands. Although this is in noway a ranking system and is purely an interpretation of their different opportunities for brand proliferation:
Catholicism is easily the grooviest; it has confession, girls and the Godfather trilogy, even if you only had half a brain this is an easy sell: the religion for rule-breakers who like to repent. If the Fonz had a religion I imagine it would be Catholicism; my advert for the Catholic Church would have someone sat in confession saying all the "Forgive me father because I have sinned" stuff and then at the end it cuts to the Priest/ Bishop/ Vicar [again Fonzie] who just says "Take three Hail Mary's... 'eyyyyyyyyyyyy". Easy pickings with the right team behind it.

Hinduism is pretty interesting. It even has its own team of Superheroes. They have Vishnu, the elephant with many arms... there is also like a catwoman, I think and a kraken-ey sea monster; phenomenal untapped merchandising and film opportunities. With the right promotion their characters could rival Spiderman, The Hulk and Batman. Should target children, but not in a Catholic way.

Islam: complex, intense, diverse and on the face of things a bit contradictory. Perhaps not one for all women, nor any gays. A hard sell in some quarters, but undoubtedly responsible for great rap music.

Judaism obviously has Woody Allen, a guarantee of parties at regular intervals and banking. As an outsider the ritual penis flagelation also seems to make it more select; like the Freemasons, but with less skin. I am also surprised how the self-loathing self-righteousness the Jewish seem to have developed is not more popular in western cultures; the thinking-man's religion.

The Amish have their own uniform and abundant self-sufficiency coupled with DIY skills. Although not being allowed to watch television does restrict its marketplace. You have to suspect genetic abnormalities have higher incidences in smaller restricted societies too... I would avoid this on the advertising literature. Should target Wales and parts of Africa; very much a third world religion.

On the surface Scientology is an easy sell: it has a celebrity culture and a creative way of dealing with mental illness. A real negative against it becoming mainstream though, must be if you come down with depression and have to tell your employer you have a case of the Thetans; I don't think a Scientologist could be employed in a white-collar role whilst retaining any integrity with intellectuals.

Although perhaps the most popular religion, Christianity seems to have no "hook". It is the Nissan Primera of religion; safe, without risk and accessible to almost anyone, except gays and women. Come to think of it, I never see many non-whites leaving C of E churches. As an ironic aside to the seemingly open acceptance of Christianity, it should be noted that Adolf Hitler encouraged his own brand of uber Christianity, called Positive Christianity: Christianity+ almost.... just saying Hitler was a Christian; I'm definitely not linking religion with warmongers. To ensure its position in society I would sponsor Coronation Street, X-Factor and other TV programmes aimed at the mass market. My slogan would be something simple like: "Christianity brings you Coronation Street." It should also encourage businesses to cash in on Christmas and Easter more than they do.

Now, this is not meant to be derogatory but from a marketing perspective I'm not sure there is much hope for either the Mormons, the Sikhs or the Quakers; if I was head Mormon I would consider merging with the Quakers and Sikhs like when the Liberal Democrats formed an alliance with the SDP. No real "pitch" springs to mind.

Finally, I come to the Jehovah's Witnesses and they really hit the jackpot, by selling Watchtower door-to-door or could do. For me this a massive opportunity for the Jehovah's and they should double up with Avon. If you're going door-to-door anyway, it's pretty obvious you should maximise the job opportunities this offers. Similarly, Avon should also double up with the Littlewood's pools; they could also deliver the milk. If Jehovah's Witnesses delivered milk, the pools coupon and Avon, combined with Watchtower this would reduce door-to-door knockage by 75%. People might actually look forward to the coming of Jehovah rather than avoid answering and teenagers might actually aspire to become a Jehovah's Witness for the career prospects, not smart teenagers but teenagers nonetheless. If they also delivered the mail and offered a window cleaning service Western culture would be changed forever.

Amen.