Je voudrais eine Pferd

Work recently asked me if I could relearn German within six weeks, I laughed. My language skills are okay; I can communicate in French, my Spanish could be developed and there is a basic level of German to build from; I also know the Turkish for sponge-cake, left, right, straight on, chicken, cheers, coffee, cheesecake and tea. 

It was never going to happen, even though I like to make the effort to fit it; when I want to make an effort in a non-English speaking country, I usually speak French, even if it's not a French-speaking region. Although neither I nor the other party understand each other better, I just think it's good that I'm willing to make an effort. I also feel that phonetically the French language is closer to more countries, whilst their use of facial expressions and shoulder shrugs is probably more universally acceptable than just being "shouty, shouty" in English.

Curiously, shoulder shrugs and hand gestures were also how I once mimicked a Jew, when I found myself amongst a group of particularly sanctimonious Christian strangers. I was a Pennsylvania Lieberman.

Oeuf a cheval

My pitch for the first worldwide French fast-food restaurant chain:

"Horses 4 Courses"

It would serve four courses, each of which would feature the ingredient of horse.

Not so fast with the food.

There's a national fast-food chain that I frequent pretty regularly, the food's okay and I have a loyalty card thing; the combination of starchy carbohydrates and incrementel discounting is pretty seductive to anyone... The one off-putting thing, though, is how the staff appear from the back, like some sort of blood smelling zombies, or at the least victims of an extensive behavioural modification process, and almost immediately ask for your order.

I went through a phase of trying to make it clearer that I was still deciding, by utilising a "contemplative face". I could do nothing more, even if I took the stance of Rodin's Thinker or stood there stroking a chin beard like a Dutch pothead. The last time I went in, I basically turned my back and ignored them whilst reading an alternative menu. Even this didn't work. I felt like I need to know why they do this, so I asked them last time.

Me: "Look mate, don't take this personal, but why when you can see I'm still thinking would you still ask me what I'd like to order. Would it not make sense to wait? Then I'll approach you and say, "Yeh, can I have a...... (whatever)""

Them: "It is my job, I'm an Assistant; I am here to assist"

Me: "Well, I think somebody should really be telling the company that it's quite off putting. If it was me in your position, I'd be thinking that maybe I could put it to head office and make a name for myself.."

Them: "You could just say you'll be a few minutes, when you come in?"

Me: "Fair point, I could, but the thing is, you can see that I'm still thinking; do you get a lot of people who just come in to browse?"

Them: "No, sir. Can I take your order, please."

I'd probably be blocked on Twitter...

Pointless

I spend far too much time in Waterstones. Earlier today, I came across the most pointless book I think I might have ever seen, simply called: "Does God believe in Atheists?" by John Blanchard. John, as I've come to know him, was co-founder of the Christian Ministries.

The book claims to "expose the errors in Darwinian evolutionism, it highlights the flaws in nine other religions and fourteen cults."  it also "examines the critical issue of how an all-powerful God can allow evil and suffering in the world."

I don't know, maybe it's me, but I couldn't help feeling like this hefty tome would be much like the propaganda that a cult would issue; that notwithstanding.

Maybe, I'm being harsh; I mean, there were three reviews on the back of the book, so it must have some resonance beyond just the writer. The first read "A brilliant defence of belief in God" and that was from Reverend Andrew Anderson, which seems convenient, but maybe he's just a really balanced character, I mean, he is a Reverend.

The second was provided by Reverend Wade Burleson, who commented: "This book is destined to be a classic on the subject". Yeah, there's a trend, right?

And the final comment really kind of sealed it; Reverend Nick Needham, who said: "No self-respecting atheist should be without it." ... cos that comment, is really just a load of bollocks.

I'm no atheist, I think I'm mostly agnostic; I like the sense of spiritualism when it surfaces and sometimes I feel like more than what I really am: skin, bones, electrical impulses, a bit of DNA and more grey hairs than I'd like; something a bit cosmic - but I'm pretty sure that if I was an atheist, I really wouldn't care whether God believed in me; I think that is kind of their whole point, ya know...

Pointless.

Pigs in Shit

It's Africa, 145AD and it's warm. Not just warm, it's hot; like a biblical heat. And these two hippotamus' are lounging around in a pool of mud; doing anything to escape the heat and find something more temperate. If you were there, you'd have seen their eyes, their ears and the top of their heads, only up to the snout. Other than that they're completely submerged.

Four hours pass and these two slovenly hippos still haven't moved, they're still lounging around in exactly the same place; like pigs in shit. This could go on all day, so far as they're concerned. Regardless though, soon after, this slightly above-average size dragonfly navigates its way through the trees surrounding the lagoon; and it lands on the head of one of the hippos.

An hour passes, before the dragonfly decides to leave.

Another hour passes and the sun starts to set, then, with a little indifference, one of the hippos pulls his head out of the mud; cocking his head to look at his mate, he turns and says, "I don't know why, but it feels more like a Wednesday, to me."

Istanbul Beggars

When I lived in Turkey, there were two beggars who patrolled the streets near my office: one blind and the other with no legs..... although he didn't so much patrol, as was just propped there. It looked terrible and so sad, I sound like a fucker, but I'm laughing with massive admiration; the indomitable spirit of some humans when faced with adversity is just so absurd that laughter is sometimes the only way to handle it, without the darkness they must occasionally feel, also afflicting you. He had a bag wrapped around the bottom of his torso which made him look like a weeble-wobble. The first time I saw him I thought he was just stood in a hole and that the bag was a disguise.

What surprised me though was that he always had a suit jacket on; if I was a beggar with no legs, I wouldn't bother to put a suit jacket with a shirt and tie on, I'd dress like a proper scruffbag; I am sure some people who would otherwise have given him money must have thought "well, if he can afford to throw away a pair of suit trousers he obviously doesn't need my money, I'll give it to the blind fella."

Random things

People who refuse to accept when their pets are better off dead and utilise contraptions in order to fashion a life; I saw one dog with two front legs and a trolley at the back inlieu of both legs. I would not be surprised if somewhere out there is an animal in spectacles; this is the precursor for something akin to the Planet of Apes.

People who say "I could sell sand to arabs."

People who use metaphors to define the infinite.

Large sports bags which have too many carrying styles to choose from, none of which are ideal.

People who amusingly take things out of other people's shopping trolleys in supermarkets.*

Sniffling your nose or blowing your nose ? Not much of a choice.

*I take things out of people's shopping trollies.

Sausage roll

I offered a tramp a sausage roll yesterday. A good quality bakery sausage roll, not one out of a pack. And yet, the tramp politely turned it down and said he didn't like sausage rolls; I think if we've reached a day when tramps can turn down any sort of food that life has become too easy for some in Britain.

I used to see a man in Istanbul with no legs, who used to pull himself to the same spot in the city every day, in a fucking trolley. And he wore a suit. He'd have loved that sausage roll.

Chatback

When I was aged between 14 and 17 there were infamous, but well-publicised telephone services with the prefix of 0898. These largely involved ringing a telephone number and chat of the sexual variety. Although this was pre-recorded it still cost 50p a minute; nowadays there are services advertised at 6p a minute. 6p a minute! I find it hard to reconcile how we have gone from pre-recorded messages at 50p a minute to 6p a minute for a chat.

What sort of chat can you get for 6p ? This equals £3.60 an hour, allowing for the company to make a profit these "chatters" must be earning less than the minimum wage. I can't imagine any sort of desirable woman would work for less than the minimum wage.

It may be naive, but I like to think that the quality of sex talking telephone woman in the 1990s was of a higher standard than today's 6 pencers. There are also gay chat services at 1p a minute; this can't do much for the self-esteem of anyone involved.

Religion

Although I have an interest in religion, I don't believe in a God, likewise Aquaman or The Hulk. I do feel its influence is disappearing from society and someone should address this, for business development and profit if nothing else. Anathemas to religion, I know.

I thought I would consider the potential marketing niches of the best brands. Although this is in noway a ranking system and is purely an interpretation of their different opportunities for brand proliferation:
Catholicism is easily the grooviest; it has confession, girls and the Godfather trilogy, even if you only had half a brain this is an easy sell: the religion for rule-breakers who like to repent. If the Fonz had a religion I imagine it would be Catholicism; my advert for the Catholic Church would have someone sat in confession saying all the "Forgive me father because I have sinned" stuff and then at the end it cuts to the Priest/ Bishop/ Vicar [again Fonzie] who just says "Take three Hail Mary's... 'eyyyyyyyyyyyy". Easy pickings with the right team behind it.

Hinduism is pretty interesting. It even has its own team of Superheroes. They have Vishnu, the elephant with many arms... there is also like a catwoman, I think and a kraken-ey sea monster; phenomenal untapped merchandising and film opportunities. With the right promotion their characters could rival Spiderman, The Hulk and Batman. Should target children, but not in a Catholic way.

Islam: complex, intense, diverse and on the face of things a bit contradictory. Perhaps not one for all women, nor any gays. A hard sell in some quarters, but undoubtedly responsible for great rap music.

Judaism obviously has Woody Allen, a guarantee of parties at regular intervals and banking. As an outsider the ritual penis flagelation also seems to make it more select; like the Freemasons, but with less skin. I am also surprised how the self-loathing self-righteousness the Jewish seem to have developed is not more popular in western cultures; the thinking-man's religion.

The Amish have their own uniform and abundant self-sufficiency coupled with DIY skills. Although not being allowed to watch television does restrict its marketplace. You have to suspect genetic abnormalities have higher incidences in smaller restricted societies too... I would avoid this on the advertising literature. Should target Wales and parts of Africa; very much a third world religion.

On the surface Scientology is an easy sell: it has a celebrity culture and a creative way of dealing with mental illness. A real negative against it becoming mainstream though, must be if you come down with depression and have to tell your employer you have a case of the Thetans; I don't think a Scientologist could be employed in a white-collar role whilst retaining any integrity with intellectuals.

Although perhaps the most popular religion, Christianity seems to have no "hook". It is the Nissan Primera of religion; safe, without risk and accessible to almost anyone, except gays and women. Come to think of it, I never see many non-whites leaving C of E churches. As an ironic aside to the seemingly open acceptance of Christianity, it should be noted that Adolf Hitler encouraged his own brand of uber Christianity, called Positive Christianity: Christianity+ almost.... just saying Hitler was a Christian; I'm definitely not linking religion with warmongers. To ensure its position in society I would sponsor Coronation Street, X-Factor and other TV programmes aimed at the mass market. My slogan would be something simple like: "Christianity brings you Coronation Street." It should also encourage businesses to cash in on Christmas and Easter more than they do.

Now, this is not meant to be derogatory but from a marketing perspective I'm not sure there is much hope for either the Mormons, the Sikhs or the Quakers; if I was head Mormon I would consider merging with the Quakers and Sikhs like when the Liberal Democrats formed an alliance with the SDP. No real "pitch" springs to mind.

Finally, I come to the Jehovah's Witnesses and they really hit the jackpot, by selling Watchtower door-to-door or could do. For me this a massive opportunity for the Jehovah's and they should double up with Avon. If you're going door-to-door anyway, it's pretty obvious you should maximise the job opportunities this offers. Similarly, Avon should also double up with the Littlewood's pools; they could also deliver the milk. If Jehovah's Witnesses delivered milk, the pools coupon and Avon, combined with Watchtower this would reduce door-to-door knockage by 75%. People might actually look forward to the coming of Jehovah rather than avoid answering and teenagers might actually aspire to become a Jehovah's Witness for the career prospects, not smart teenagers but teenagers nonetheless. If they also delivered the mail and offered a window cleaning service Western culture would be changed forever.

Amen.

Thatcher's cover-drive

A nick to square-edge, lbw, howzat, wide, tea, kum-by-ya, kapow: all terms inexorably associated with cricket, but none exemplify the sport of gentleman, as much as "fair play." And yet, even so, when India chose to rebut the Umpire's dismissal of Ian Bell in the 2nd test last year, they acted above and beyond the code of conduct that England unilaterally gave to the world, or so it appeared at that time. In reality, the links between England and India are now far deeper than all, but a handful of people ever suspected.
Relations with India were truly cemented in the early 1980s; whilst 'Cowboy Bob' Reagan fiddled with his 'Star Wars' initiative and the world focused on the 'Cold War', Lady Thatcher saw a better usage for Tory wealth UK taxes. The daring Ms Thatcher implemented a plan so daring that the French would likely stick a hat on it and call it a revolution: monies were diverted to a secret fund, titled: Project Tesco.
Secure in the knowledge that a loathing of Europe was innate within those raised to ascend to power by birth to loath Europe, over £2bn was spent in developing secret technology to save England should a financial doomsday ever strike the continent. Since 1982, utilising a small team of carpenters and car mechanics, four enormous mechanical legs have been attached to the corners of the country.
When David Cameron decides - a date of June 17th 2012 has been provisionally designated - with the simple flick of a switch, England will proceed to detach itself from Scotland and Wales, casting them asunder, rising up on legs over ten miles long that will slowly walk a jubilant nation to a new home: India, where it will relocate just outside Delhi.
Questions exist on the funding, naturally; monies were not all accrued from tax payers. Moreover, what is in it for India? The clue is in the name: "Project: Tesco." England's gift to the world will become a gift to India, as the supermarket behemoth invades proffers its wares to another grateful nation...
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Blind leading the blind

I've been in a massive building today with a brail sign next to the lift, I imagine it denotes which floor it is. Logical, I reckon, as that concept seems pretty reasonable; but then is it? How do the blind find the lift sign? This seems like a major oversight and the kind of thing that must annoy a blind person.

If I was to suddenly go blind, I think I would be a troublemaker for ages; like when rock stars first become successful. In my mind I would be a blind Che Geuvara, for a while I would probably also consider leading a blind rebellion trying to ensure equal rights. Given that they don't know where they're looking though, it'd really require the blind to become kamikaze bombers of some sort; strapped to a skateboard and pointed towards a building by a sighted-person, which in itself is a major barrier to guerrilla warfare. This is reality and not being defeatist, I mean if you don't even know which box you're putting your cross in during a democratic vote, it would really be impossible to progress a revolution.



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